He is clearly seen.

It happens each and every February.  This restless gypsy rises up in me and I dream of selling everything and going – hmmmm – just driving off somewhere.  I woke up this morning and knew that she had arrived as if on some kind of queue. 

So here’s the truth of the matter:  my heart goes a bit haywire.  I want to listen to music, very loud music.  I don’t want to talk.  I want to think.  My mind goes places that it should not.  I think about a life where I would refuse to pay my bills and I would indulge myself in things that would ruin my life.  Maybe that’s a little bit shocking to read.  And maybe you don’t have a gypsy that rises up in you sometimes.  I do, though.  And if I kept it all inside and let it sit there all alone in the dark it would be quite dangerous.  So when she shows up each February, I have a hand full of people that I talk to.  People who love me and don’t judge me.  People who pour out love into me.  People whose love helps to smooth out these edges that begin to fray each year when it’s so very grey outside.

When this gypsy shows up, it feels like there is a fight inside of me.  And when I contemplate it, I come to the very realization that every Biblical thing I believe is so true.  I have been born with a sin nature.  I’ve been born with this propensity to discontentment and anger and all manner of other ugliness.  So, I’ve got this ugliness inside of me waring against the perfect Holy Spirit.  When I enter into this season each year, I always – ALWAYS – see the truth God has shown me in His Word through my struggle. 

And then I immediately understand the one who decides on a whim to shoot up for the very first time.  Yes, I understand it.  It’s horribly tragic, but I get it.  I’m no better than the person who makes a really bad decision that leads to disaster.  And you aren’t either. 

And after my brain races through all of these thoughts and my heart goes through a myriad of emotions, I bow my head and thank God that He’s helped me to see the truth.  And then I cling to Him until the gypsy slithers away.

Happy things are individual.  A happy thing for me may not be a happy thing for you.  And they change over time, don’t they?  Years ago a happy thing to me was a one carat diamond ring.  Now I don’t care much for fancy jewelry.

 The happiest thing to me these days is marriage.  

 Climbing the mountain of the deepest relationship – rocks tumbling down the side as I place my foot unsure, moving upward nonetheless.  Out of breath on some days from the physical exertion of the climbing.  Face windblown – the gusty winds along the side of the treacherous mountainside paint my skin with red.  Hands a bit wounded from the sharp rocks.  Hanging on tight when the weather changes unexpectedly.

 And then, after all of that hard work, the summit.  The point at which we look back and see how far we’ve climbed.  We see the wounds we’ve suffered alongside one another during the climb.  Savoring the view, embracing one another.  Excited for the descent.  It’s easier, the descent.  We can hold hands during the descent.  The ascent requires a lot of hard work and concentration………both hands are needed to pull oneself up.  However, the descent is different.  It’s more peaceful.  And more beautiful.

My sweet David:  we’ve worked hard.  And the hard work has produced much fruit.  Let’s savor the summit together for a long time.  And when the Lord asks us to begin our descent, I promise to hold your hand all the way home – Home to Him.

The other day when we sat having coffee together and we shared verbally what we loved about one another, you made me cry.  We kept the list to three things that day.  And the three things you told me swelled up in my heart.  Because you know me.  So true.  You do.  I’ve loved those words so much.  So much so, that I’m going to jot them here for the girls to see in the book of this blog I will make.

Girls, your papa said this to me the other day:  “I love that you love music.  And that you’ve given the girls this love you have of music.  I love that you are selfless.   I love that you love God.”  And I said this to him:  “I love that you love to read.  I love that you work so hard……….so incredibly hard.  I love that you drive carefully, to protect us.”

There’s a little peak at what the treacherous climbing has produced.

It’s my happiest, happy thing.

David:  Remember when I fell in love with this photograph?  And when I showed it to you, you said, ”it reminds me of you and me?”  I loved it deeper after you said that.

Last weekend my sweetie (well, I call him my hot, hot, hottie) and I went away to a lovely resort north of Milwaukee.  The Osthoff is a quiet, beautiful place to spend quiet time alone.

We had a lovely Friday there – complete with spa services and lots of rest.  In the evening, we sat quietly alone – however, the incomparable Frank Sinatra was with us.  While I sat  quietly next to him, I began having a conversation with Jesus.  Have you ever done that?  I was just conversing with Him in my heart as I sat there with my hottie.  The first word I said to Him was this:  really?

My conversation with my Lord went something like this.  “Really, Lord?  You give up everything for me – a person who has a dark, disobedient and sinful disposition.  Plus you give me this man.  This man who treats me so very well.  This man who would lay down his life for his wife.  Yes, Lord, I have no doubt that he would.  And then Lord, you provide the resources for us to go to a nice place like this.  Really, Lord?”

I never said a word to the hottie about my conversation with our Lord.  The only thing I could picture was Jesus just smiling as big as He could.  Because I do know that my Lord loves for me to be blessed …………… thankfully blessed.

Later that weekend, we went to our morning church service.  And my Lord, He spoke back to me.  While my pastor was speaking, he said “and what is it Jesus is asking you to lay down?”  Yes, my Lord speaks to me through other people sometimes.  I bet He does that for you too.

It was in that moment that my Lord said, “yes, really, Dawn I have blessed you abundantly.”  And then I heard Him say, “My desire is that you lay down something for me.”  Immediately I knew what He was asking.  He’s asking me to lay down more of my time for Him.  Normally, that would be a very scary thing for a busy mama to hear from her Lord.  However, can you see how wonderfully He prepared my heart?  He caused that I see His overflowing gracious blessings on me.  Me!

“No,” Lord, I answered.  “It will not be hard because You’ve helped me to see clearly.”

He’s like that, my Lord.  He prepares me so gently and then, then He gives a command.

**one of my favorite photos of us……….taken while we were quietly spending time alone last weekend

Dear Mak & Livy:

Today I was sitting on the sofa reading with Livy.  She’s 9 now and as I sat there reading with her, I realized something.

It happened when it was her turn to read.  I took my eyes off the page and looked up and I saw my Mak.  Standing there all grown up and 14 years old.  And I realized that one day you’ll both be too old for me to read to you.  Something of my heart broke off right then and there and I think a tear welled up in my eye.

It’s the reading I’ve loved so much.  The reading to you.  The reading with you.  The choosing the books.  The loving the books.  It’s something I’ve treasured as your mama.  I just thought you should know.

I love you.  I love you the biggest my heart can love.

Always,

mama xoxo

Last week I began 100 days of salad.  Salad for dinner for 100 days.  Our house can be challenging because we’ve got three vegetarians and one meat eater.  So, often I’ll make a salad and then add some meat to it for Papa.

Often times we have homemade soup with our salad and sometime we have something heartier.  It’s been fun planning and making different salads every night.  A few of the salads we’ve had thus far ar:

Boston lettuce, pear, apple and cashew

Black bean, tomato, scallion, jalapeno

Baby romaine, white bean, sun dried tomato

Roasted vegetables, goat cheese, butter lettuce, balsamic

Earlier this week, early in the morning, Livy climbed up on my lap and gave me a hug.  She rested her head right on my shoulder and her arms wrapped tight around my neck.  She breathed softly and calmly drifted into me.  I took a deep breath in to smell her hair and I ran my hand across her cheek.  My eyes welled up with tears and then she ran off to finish getting ready for school.  It was a fifteen second moment and it made me cry.

The tears came quickly.  A reminder of the thankfulness I feel that God has blessed me so.  Me.  It brings me to a puddle of tears when I think of it.  When I think all of it:   I have a warm house.  And food to eat.  And money to buy things.  And a man who loves me to the ends of the earth and back.  And I can walk and talk and see.  And I have two healthy children.  Two.  Two here.  And several in heaven.  And why has He blessed me so?

Dear Mak & Livy:

2012.  It’s 2012!  Happy New Year, sweet girls.

The other day Livy said to me, “mama, do you remember a few weeks go when you asked me what I think you could do to be a better mama?”  I thought I would die laughing.  How long, little Lulu have you been thinking on that?  I braced myself for what was coming my way.  What in the world were you going to say?

Smiling and cautious, I said, “yes, Livy.  Do you want to add to what you already told me?”  As you will recall, you previously indicated that I didn’t have to make so much organic-y vegetable-y food!  I couldn’t imagine what would come next.

“mama,” you said “before you let someone borrow something of mine, you should ask me first.”  Ok.  I could deal with that one.  You’re right, I should ask first when it’s your stuff.

Now, I’m not here to defend the fact that I’ve lent your things to others without your permission.  I won’t do that because each time I’ve  done it (and I’ve done it too much) it was wrong.  However, I am here to explain myself.

Over the last few years, I’ve become more and more detached from things.  I  don’t want them.  I want relationships, health and to help others.  I just have less of a desire for things.  I don’t care about new cars and fancy furniture.  Those things are nice but I just don’t care anymore about them.  When we have purchased things that seem extravagant – like the boat – we’ve done so with relationships in mind.  The boat allows us to spend great family time together and that’s the only reason we purchased it with your uncle.  As you know, I have chosen to reduce the amount that I work to about half of what I did at one time so that I could spend more time with you.  You see, the money and the things just don’t matter to me.

You always wonder why I have so many books.  So many of the same books.   I keep so many books in our library because I give them away.  When a book changes me, I’m known to order 10 of them.  And when I feel that someone will be changed too, I give one away.  I remember several years back a young boy came to our door in the summertime.  He was selling magazine subscriptions.  We got to talking to him and he told us that he was recently released from a juvenile detention center.  His life sounded hard.  He had made bad decisions in his past but was trying to do better.  During our conversation, he happened to mention that he had just started attending church.  I asked him if he had a Bible.  He did not.  Guess what?  That’s  a book that I always keep extras of to give away!  I gave him a Bible and five others of which I had extras.  Girls, I’ll never forget the look on his face.  He exclaimed, “why would you give me all of these books?”  The only answer I had for him is, “because I care about you.”  By his reaction, I’d have to say that he was touched to be cared for in the only way I could care for him.

So you see, giving your stuff away changes people.  Mostly, it changes you.

Now, don’t get me wrong.   I like nice things just as much as the next person.  I’ve just learned that I don’t need them.  I avoid even looking at them.  Remember a few weeks ago when I asked Papa to throw away all of the catalogs that arrive in the mail?  I don’t even want to see what is available.  Why?  Because if I see it, I may want it.  Therefore, I don’t even want to see it.

So, girls, please excuse me when it appears that I’m being awfully free with your things.  I promise to do better in this area.  I know someday things will matter much less to you.  I was protective of my things too when I was your age.  With age, however, I’ve learned that I’d much prefer to give away what I have because that……..well……….that feeling is superior to the feeling I have when I’m clinging to what I have.

Love you so.

xoxox

mama